Post by Dead on May 5, 2004 18:59:31 GMT -6
Okay, Im going to start this review by letting you know the score in advance.
This "movie" garners the worst score that I will most likely EVER give to anything. 0 Dead Rabbit Heads out of 5.
Why is this so bad? Well let me tell you.
This movie is SO horrible that you will wish that you could go back through time, find yourself at the movie rental store, and kick your self right in the ass for ever considering even looking at the box.
At first glance, Goremet (this is how it's spelled) Zombie Chef From Hell (Zombie Chef from here on out.) looks like an old campy 80's movie that is worth a good laugh or two. In this department it fails just because before it even gets to the funny crap, it bores you to levels of boredom I didn't know could be reached by a human being.
As far as story, I could probably wipe a monkey's ass and read the toilet paper and have a better story. However I will elaborate upon the "plot" of this "film."
It goes like this, some guy way back in ancient times did something bad, so horribly costumed guys (wearing rolexes) condemn him and cast a (badly writen) spell upon him causing him to be immortal, but to have to eat the flesh of humans to stay looking pretty. (even though the actor is a hairy ugly foriegn man who would probably benefit from years of decay.)
So flash forward to the present (which is 1980's or 70's) there is this happening new place in town, and this guy who was cursed so many years ago, is the chef there. Whoopee.
After what seems like hours of pointlessness (probably 5 minutes) a guy and his girlfriend walk down the street by this place and they are recently engaged (this you have to guess) A freakish bum guy runs in front of them and screams some apocalyptic babble and they ignore him. Meanwhile the guy's fiance gets inside of this restaurant and disappears. After warding off the bum her husband to be enters as well and gets served a hamburger with her finger in it. (what....the...hell?!)
My summarization makes it more interesting than it really is. More or less lots of boring crap happens, people die (awfully and so stupidly that its not even funny.) Oh and dont forget the "party" he has at his restarant after hours.
This party involves a bunch of the ugliest/saggiest/nastiest women in movie history getting naked and dancing (if you can call drug induced shaking dancing) all around the seemingly uninterested but half partying Chef for about 10 minutes with awful Kassio piano music. By the way, these nasty women cannot even act enthused at this 'party' but they try. One of them exclaims in the most non convincing voice ever "Oh What a party." as if she were a vegetable reading it off a badly written cue card.
All this crap keeps up until the messiah comes in the form of a Librarian, and steals Zombie Chef's book of recipes/spells/whatever the hell it is, that he says he would never notice if it was missing, but doesn't notice that she takes it right off of his coffee table when its the only thing there.. Eventually she ends up killing him (even though he is straining to reach the thing that will save him which happens to be about 1 inch from his face.) The end. YAY. THE TORTURE IS OVER.
So in the end, what can I say that is good about Zombie Chef? ...uh..well.. It has..er.. um.. It ends after a while, that is the best thing I can honestly say about it.
This is the worst Horror Film EVER created. It makes movies like House of the Dead, Ice Crawlers, and anything by Troma look like multimillion dollar productions with epic story and oscar winning actors, yes it is that awful.
So, if you really REALLY hate someone, and you think that Death is too good for them, and that for some reason all other means of torture are ruled out, then I'd reccomend strapping them to a chair and making them Watch Zombie Chef for a day, hell even a few minutes. I garantee that within seconds they will be asking for death and pondering what they did to anger god this much. I know I did.
This "movie" garners the worst score that I will most likely EVER give to anything. 0 Dead Rabbit Heads out of 5.
Why is this so bad? Well let me tell you.
This movie is SO horrible that you will wish that you could go back through time, find yourself at the movie rental store, and kick your self right in the ass for ever considering even looking at the box.
At first glance, Goremet (this is how it's spelled) Zombie Chef From Hell (Zombie Chef from here on out.) looks like an old campy 80's movie that is worth a good laugh or two. In this department it fails just because before it even gets to the funny crap, it bores you to levels of boredom I didn't know could be reached by a human being.
As far as story, I could probably wipe a monkey's ass and read the toilet paper and have a better story. However I will elaborate upon the "plot" of this "film."
It goes like this, some guy way back in ancient times did something bad, so horribly costumed guys (wearing rolexes) condemn him and cast a (badly writen) spell upon him causing him to be immortal, but to have to eat the flesh of humans to stay looking pretty. (even though the actor is a hairy ugly foriegn man who would probably benefit from years of decay.)
So flash forward to the present (which is 1980's or 70's) there is this happening new place in town, and this guy who was cursed so many years ago, is the chef there. Whoopee.
After what seems like hours of pointlessness (probably 5 minutes) a guy and his girlfriend walk down the street by this place and they are recently engaged (this you have to guess) A freakish bum guy runs in front of them and screams some apocalyptic babble and they ignore him. Meanwhile the guy's fiance gets inside of this restaurant and disappears. After warding off the bum her husband to be enters as well and gets served a hamburger with her finger in it. (what....the...hell?!)
My summarization makes it more interesting than it really is. More or less lots of boring crap happens, people die (awfully and so stupidly that its not even funny.) Oh and dont forget the "party" he has at his restarant after hours.
This party involves a bunch of the ugliest/saggiest/nastiest women in movie history getting naked and dancing (if you can call drug induced shaking dancing) all around the seemingly uninterested but half partying Chef for about 10 minutes with awful Kassio piano music. By the way, these nasty women cannot even act enthused at this 'party' but they try. One of them exclaims in the most non convincing voice ever "Oh What a party." as if she were a vegetable reading it off a badly written cue card.
All this crap keeps up until the messiah comes in the form of a Librarian, and steals Zombie Chef's book of recipes/spells/whatever the hell it is, that he says he would never notice if it was missing, but doesn't notice that she takes it right off of his coffee table when its the only thing there.. Eventually she ends up killing him (even though he is straining to reach the thing that will save him which happens to be about 1 inch from his face.) The end. YAY. THE TORTURE IS OVER.
So in the end, what can I say that is good about Zombie Chef? ...uh..well.. It has..er.. um.. It ends after a while, that is the best thing I can honestly say about it.
This is the worst Horror Film EVER created. It makes movies like House of the Dead, Ice Crawlers, and anything by Troma look like multimillion dollar productions with epic story and oscar winning actors, yes it is that awful.
So, if you really REALLY hate someone, and you think that Death is too good for them, and that for some reason all other means of torture are ruled out, then I'd reccomend strapping them to a chair and making them Watch Zombie Chef for a day, hell even a few minutes. I garantee that within seconds they will be asking for death and pondering what they did to anger god this much. I know I did.