Post by Iyouboushi on Dec 31, 2004 3:21:41 GMT -6
Another draft for chapter 2. It needs a title though. The temporary one I was using ("Bye James' House") sucks beyond belief. lol.
Again, there's not TOO many changes from the last one but they ARE there (especially when dealing with Andy after he leaves James' house). Read through and see if you can spot the changes.
THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA
Chapter 02 - Draft #3
Day soon gave way to night, signaling it was finally time for Andy to depart.
"Thanks again my friend," I said walking him out into the yard.
"Oh, it's no problem. I'll stop by again tomorrow to see how the dummy is working out for you." With a wave, Andy turned and walked off into the distance. I grinned and glanced over at the training dummy. It was time to find out how it would do.
* * *
Andy walked down the lowly-lit street towards his house as maniac drivers zoomed past him in a mad rush to get home. Suddenly something caught his eye in the alley on 21st street. Curious he stepped into it and his face lit up. It was three black-hoodie hoodlums spray painting the side of a wall with an ugly off-red paint. Easy practice he thought, and grinned.
Without announcing his arrival to them he walked up to the first one and let a punch fly. The hoodlum collapsed on the ground, as the other two jumped backwards in shock and fear.
"Didn't anyone teach you that it's not nice to deface public property?"
"We..err...duh.." They were at a loss of words as Andy punched another one.
"Come on, can't you even show me how tough your 'gang' is? This is too easy. Maybe I should just call the police after all."
"You shouldn't mess with us homie G!" The third threw the paint canister at Andy, who deflected it easy, and reached into his pants to pull out a small handgun. He wouldn't get to use it though. A quick round-house kick sent it flying back into the alley. Another swift kick sent the hoodlum down to the ground out cold. Andy walked over, picked up the gun.
"Pathetic." He removed the clip and tossed the gun into the nearest dumpster. Dusting off his hands, he turned and walked out of the alley.
"Andy? Is that you?" Andy looked up and saw his old friend Ruben facing him. His dark hair and dark complexion made Andy seem pale in comparison. On this particular night, Ruben wore a gray short-sleeved shirt with the name of his favorite heavy metal band ("FEAR") written on it, and dark black jeans.
"Ruben! What are you doing out tonight?"
"I just got back from a FEAR concert." He pointed to his shirt. Andy mumbled. He had tried to get tickets to that concert but was unable to do so. He wondered how Ruben ended up with a ticket. "What about you?"
"Oh not a lot, just cleaning up some trash." Ruben looked past him into the alley and laughed. "Want to go get a bite to eat or something? There's a good pizza place not far from here."
"Yeah, sure. I'm starved"
They went to the famous "Mario's Pizza," the only pizza place that offered a "power pack" -- three large pizzas for the price of one. The pizza was delicious as neither had eaten such good food in a long time. Finally, after scarfing as much of it as they could, Andy took out the scroll to the tournament and spread it out upon the table.
"The World's Super Man Fighting Tournament?" Ruben read the scroll over a few times. "Let me guess, you want me to join?" Andy nodded.
"I already got James to agree to join. Come on, with three of us our chances of winning some of that prize money increases. Besides, don't you want to show off what you learned two years ago?" It was two years ago when Ruben had left town with his younger brother to a small village known as Sinuna without giving a reason why. When the two years had passed Ruben had returned by himself, leaving his brother behind. He refused to reveal exactly what had happened there but slipped one late night that several monks had taught him a secret style of martial arts. Andy had yet to witness anything of the sort and while the curiosity was driving him crazy, a part of him doubted he was taught anything at all.
"You'd do anything, or try to get me to do anything, just to see what I learned, wouldn't you?" Ruben joked. "All right. I agree to do this. Besides, I could use a little extra cash."
"Great!"
"Well, it's getting late. I suppose I should head on home. Why don't you and James come over tomorrow and we'll practice and plan our strategy for winning that tournament. Never hurts to plan early."
"Sounds good to me. See you later tomorrow." Ruben only nodded and, as they both left the pizzeria in opposite directions. Things were going good. With two friends already agreed to enter the tournament, the chances of winning the prize money was increasing. Putting his hands into his pockets and whistling a tune, he thought about what he would do with $100,000 or at least a part of that.
His whistling was cut short when he saw headlights coming straight for him. Quickly he dived out of the way and stood back up only to see the car turn and come towards him once again. He took off into a run and dived into an alley too small for a car to fit. Panting he watched as the headlights stopped in the entrance of the alley, blinding him for a moment. He heard the sound of four car doors slamming shut and a chuckle of several people who were just shadows in the blinding headlights. The chuckles quieted as a man, presumably a leader, stepped in front of the group holding something long. Andy figured it was either a metal rod or a baseball bat.
"It's you at last! I've been waiting for you, you rotten son of a--"
"What?!" Andy cut him off trying to recognize the voice, "Who are you? You must have me mistaken for someone else!"
"I would never forget your face!" Andy turned to look behind him. He saw a giant brick wall. Great. He was trapped. "And with no escape, it's time I bash in that face for what you've done to me!"
* * *
Sweat dripped off my brow as I found myself wore out from practicing with my new dummy. This thing was wonderful. Why, only a few hours ago it had taught me my very first defensive move and how to correctly throw a punch. Using this tool, I'd be ready for that contest in no time!
I glanced up at the sky. The stars were glowing brightly in the clear sky. Not a cloud to be found and a full moon as well. Could this night be any more magnificent? I thought.
Suddenly I heard a loud crash. Quickly I turned around and saw my dining table crashing through one of my windows and smashing into the lawn. Shards of glass flew down on top of it to cover it like icing on a cake. I then heard many more crashes as things in my home were being tossed and smashed.
"What's going on?" I shouted, running towards the broken window. What I saw inside made me wish I had run the other way. For standing in the middle of broken tables, chairs, and glass was two glowing red eyes attached to a skull-like robotic face staring back at me. It was Dr. Ekoc, though I did not know his name at the time. He saw me and gave an evil sneer.
"So it is another human that has a jewel. Come to stop me again?" He took a step towards me, stepping on my favorite bookshelf that had been knocked over. The crunch sent a chill up my spine. Not knowing what I should do, or what he meant, I could only back away. "I won't fall for the same trap twice!" he yelled, "I'll show you my true power!"
A flash of yellow light overtook my eyes and an explosion filled my ears. A strong gust of wind knocked me down to the ground. When my eyes finally came back into focus I let out a scream. My house had been completely destroyed, and Dr. Ekoc stood in the middle of the rubble unharmed. "What? What are you?" I jumped to my feet and took the defensive stance that I had learned only hours ago.
"I am the most powerful being in the universe! I am Dr. Ekoc and you have something I want."
I remember what happened next as if it had happened only yesterday. The demonic Dr. Ekoc ran towards me with such speed that I did not even have a chance to throw a punch in my defense. He grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off of the ground with one hand. With the other hand he grabbed the green gem Andy had given me for a present and ripped it from my neck. I struggled to get free but he only tightened his grip, cutting off my circulation. "For a thousand years I have dreamt of this day, and now it has finally happened. A jewel is mine once more."
With an evil laughter he tossed me away. I landed hard in the rubble of my home. Dizzy, light-headed and bleeding, I watched as Dr. Ekoc extended his right arm and put my gem in some sort of socketed slot that he had opened at the base of it. Electricity cackled and bolts leapt across his body. Was I seeing things? When the electricity had stopped, it appeared that he had grown in size and looked even more fearsome than before.
"Yes!" he roared in satisfaction. "I have forgotten the power! I must have more!" He raised his left arm to his head and a small screen appeared over his left eye. Slowly he turned around, scanning the area. The screen retracted as he stopped turning. He chucked again and began walking off into the distance.
I then remembered what Andy had told me--that the gems were part of a set and he had the other piece. I had to warn him of what was coming his way. I struggled to get to my feet only to feel all life slowly slip out of me. I fell back into the rubble and everything grew dark. I had lost consciousness.
Again, there's not TOO many changes from the last one but they ARE there (especially when dealing with Andy after he leaves James' house). Read through and see if you can spot the changes.
THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA
Chapter 02 - Draft #3
Day soon gave way to night, signaling it was finally time for Andy to depart.
"Thanks again my friend," I said walking him out into the yard.
"Oh, it's no problem. I'll stop by again tomorrow to see how the dummy is working out for you." With a wave, Andy turned and walked off into the distance. I grinned and glanced over at the training dummy. It was time to find out how it would do.
* * *
Andy walked down the lowly-lit street towards his house as maniac drivers zoomed past him in a mad rush to get home. Suddenly something caught his eye in the alley on 21st street. Curious he stepped into it and his face lit up. It was three black-hoodie hoodlums spray painting the side of a wall with an ugly off-red paint. Easy practice he thought, and grinned.
Without announcing his arrival to them he walked up to the first one and let a punch fly. The hoodlum collapsed on the ground, as the other two jumped backwards in shock and fear.
"Didn't anyone teach you that it's not nice to deface public property?"
"We..err...duh.." They were at a loss of words as Andy punched another one.
"Come on, can't you even show me how tough your 'gang' is? This is too easy. Maybe I should just call the police after all."
"You shouldn't mess with us homie G!" The third threw the paint canister at Andy, who deflected it easy, and reached into his pants to pull out a small handgun. He wouldn't get to use it though. A quick round-house kick sent it flying back into the alley. Another swift kick sent the hoodlum down to the ground out cold. Andy walked over, picked up the gun.
"Pathetic." He removed the clip and tossed the gun into the nearest dumpster. Dusting off his hands, he turned and walked out of the alley.
"Andy? Is that you?" Andy looked up and saw his old friend Ruben facing him. His dark hair and dark complexion made Andy seem pale in comparison. On this particular night, Ruben wore a gray short-sleeved shirt with the name of his favorite heavy metal band ("FEAR") written on it, and dark black jeans.
"Ruben! What are you doing out tonight?"
"I just got back from a FEAR concert." He pointed to his shirt. Andy mumbled. He had tried to get tickets to that concert but was unable to do so. He wondered how Ruben ended up with a ticket. "What about you?"
"Oh not a lot, just cleaning up some trash." Ruben looked past him into the alley and laughed. "Want to go get a bite to eat or something? There's a good pizza place not far from here."
"Yeah, sure. I'm starved"
They went to the famous "Mario's Pizza," the only pizza place that offered a "power pack" -- three large pizzas for the price of one. The pizza was delicious as neither had eaten such good food in a long time. Finally, after scarfing as much of it as they could, Andy took out the scroll to the tournament and spread it out upon the table.
"The World's Super Man Fighting Tournament?" Ruben read the scroll over a few times. "Let me guess, you want me to join?" Andy nodded.
"I already got James to agree to join. Come on, with three of us our chances of winning some of that prize money increases. Besides, don't you want to show off what you learned two years ago?" It was two years ago when Ruben had left town with his younger brother to a small village known as Sinuna without giving a reason why. When the two years had passed Ruben had returned by himself, leaving his brother behind. He refused to reveal exactly what had happened there but slipped one late night that several monks had taught him a secret style of martial arts. Andy had yet to witness anything of the sort and while the curiosity was driving him crazy, a part of him doubted he was taught anything at all.
"You'd do anything, or try to get me to do anything, just to see what I learned, wouldn't you?" Ruben joked. "All right. I agree to do this. Besides, I could use a little extra cash."
"Great!"
"Well, it's getting late. I suppose I should head on home. Why don't you and James come over tomorrow and we'll practice and plan our strategy for winning that tournament. Never hurts to plan early."
"Sounds good to me. See you later tomorrow." Ruben only nodded and, as they both left the pizzeria in opposite directions. Things were going good. With two friends already agreed to enter the tournament, the chances of winning the prize money was increasing. Putting his hands into his pockets and whistling a tune, he thought about what he would do with $100,000 or at least a part of that.
His whistling was cut short when he saw headlights coming straight for him. Quickly he dived out of the way and stood back up only to see the car turn and come towards him once again. He took off into a run and dived into an alley too small for a car to fit. Panting he watched as the headlights stopped in the entrance of the alley, blinding him for a moment. He heard the sound of four car doors slamming shut and a chuckle of several people who were just shadows in the blinding headlights. The chuckles quieted as a man, presumably a leader, stepped in front of the group holding something long. Andy figured it was either a metal rod or a baseball bat.
"It's you at last! I've been waiting for you, you rotten son of a--"
"What?!" Andy cut him off trying to recognize the voice, "Who are you? You must have me mistaken for someone else!"
"I would never forget your face!" Andy turned to look behind him. He saw a giant brick wall. Great. He was trapped. "And with no escape, it's time I bash in that face for what you've done to me!"
* * *
Sweat dripped off my brow as I found myself wore out from practicing with my new dummy. This thing was wonderful. Why, only a few hours ago it had taught me my very first defensive move and how to correctly throw a punch. Using this tool, I'd be ready for that contest in no time!
I glanced up at the sky. The stars were glowing brightly in the clear sky. Not a cloud to be found and a full moon as well. Could this night be any more magnificent? I thought.
Suddenly I heard a loud crash. Quickly I turned around and saw my dining table crashing through one of my windows and smashing into the lawn. Shards of glass flew down on top of it to cover it like icing on a cake. I then heard many more crashes as things in my home were being tossed and smashed.
"What's going on?" I shouted, running towards the broken window. What I saw inside made me wish I had run the other way. For standing in the middle of broken tables, chairs, and glass was two glowing red eyes attached to a skull-like robotic face staring back at me. It was Dr. Ekoc, though I did not know his name at the time. He saw me and gave an evil sneer.
"So it is another human that has a jewel. Come to stop me again?" He took a step towards me, stepping on my favorite bookshelf that had been knocked over. The crunch sent a chill up my spine. Not knowing what I should do, or what he meant, I could only back away. "I won't fall for the same trap twice!" he yelled, "I'll show you my true power!"
A flash of yellow light overtook my eyes and an explosion filled my ears. A strong gust of wind knocked me down to the ground. When my eyes finally came back into focus I let out a scream. My house had been completely destroyed, and Dr. Ekoc stood in the middle of the rubble unharmed. "What? What are you?" I jumped to my feet and took the defensive stance that I had learned only hours ago.
"I am the most powerful being in the universe! I am Dr. Ekoc and you have something I want."
I remember what happened next as if it had happened only yesterday. The demonic Dr. Ekoc ran towards me with such speed that I did not even have a chance to throw a punch in my defense. He grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off of the ground with one hand. With the other hand he grabbed the green gem Andy had given me for a present and ripped it from my neck. I struggled to get free but he only tightened his grip, cutting off my circulation. "For a thousand years I have dreamt of this day, and now it has finally happened. A jewel is mine once more."
With an evil laughter he tossed me away. I landed hard in the rubble of my home. Dizzy, light-headed and bleeding, I watched as Dr. Ekoc extended his right arm and put my gem in some sort of socketed slot that he had opened at the base of it. Electricity cackled and bolts leapt across his body. Was I seeing things? When the electricity had stopped, it appeared that he had grown in size and looked even more fearsome than before.
"Yes!" he roared in satisfaction. "I have forgotten the power! I must have more!" He raised his left arm to his head and a small screen appeared over his left eye. Slowly he turned around, scanning the area. The screen retracted as he stopped turning. He chucked again and began walking off into the distance.
I then remembered what Andy had told me--that the gems were part of a set and he had the other piece. I had to warn him of what was coming his way. I struggled to get to my feet only to feel all life slowly slip out of me. I fell back into the rubble and everything grew dark. I had lost consciousness.