Post by Iyouboushi on Dec 18, 2004 21:11:24 GMT -6
Okay, got bored and re-read some of the old Animishi chapters. Noticed some things that could be changed/expanded/better told. Chapter 001 doesn't really have that many changes, but they ARE there (one obvious one is that Bionites no longer use gun weaponry and now use swords to better show that they're a peaceful race and never upgraded weapon technology). Anyway, re-read it and see if you can spot the changes. 
THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA
Chapter 01 (Arrival) - Draft #3
So where was I? Oh yes. It was my eighteenth birthday. The sun was shining brightly, causing the puddles to reflect the rays badly into my eyes as I stood at my front door staring at Andy, who was just grinning and laughing at me, his hands behind his back.
"So James, finally turning the big ONE-EIGHT eh?"
"That's right." I started. Wanting to get out of the sun's heat, I waved an invitation to him. "Now come in and let's celebrate it with some good ol fashioned cake. I think it's chocolate." Andy nodded and took a step in. He was hiding something, something he desperately wanted to talk about. I could see it in his eyes. But I knew Andy's nature all too well. He would hide it. He would hide it until the curiosity inside of me swelled up until I felt like I was going to die!
"Happy birthday!" He pulled out a small box out from behind his back.
"You really shouldn't have." I frowned for a moment. I really disliked getting gifts when I felt and knew that I could not often return the favor. But I was glad just the same. I was glad because I had friends that cared enough about me to get me something. I couldn't help but wonder what it was.
"If you're frowning because you feel you can't pay me back, don't worry about it."
"What is it?" I took it and ripped the wrapping off. It was a small gray box. Upon opening the box I saw a small diamond-shaped green gem attached to a long gold chain. My smile returned.
"It's an old artifact, given to me in a set by my grandfather. He said it was very old; quite possibly thousands of years old. He wasn't really sure. Anyway, I know how much you enjoy collecting things like this."
"Thank you. It's wonderful." He nodded.
"But that's not all. I have another gift."
"Oh no."
"There's something else after that I want to talk about but before I tell you, you have to come check the gift out. It's too big to fit in the house." Was this what Andy was so eager to tell but was trying to keep secret? No, it couldn't be. This was too easy.
I slipped the gem over my neck as we stepped out into the large yard, carefully avoiding left-over puddles. What I saw made me gasp out loud. Leaning against one of my large oak trees lay a large martial artist's training dummy with a little bow on it.
"Wow." I could think of no other expression to show my shock. I was absolutely stunned.
Andy walked over to it, pulled off the bow and began to explain it to me. "It's the best martial arts training dummy you can buy. It has five different styles programmed in and three speeds to control its rotation and movement. I expect you to use it." Andy's grin grew bigger. "You'll have to if you expect to beat me."
"Beat you? What do you mean?" Now I really was curious and Andy could see it in my face. With that he was satisfied and reached into his back pocket.
"Here, look at this." He pulled out a rolled up brown scroll. Raising an eyebrow, I took it from him and unrolled it. It read:
THE WORLD'S SUPER MAN FIGHTING TOURNAMENT
Come one, come all to the WORLD'S SUPER MAN FIGHTING TOURNAMENT! Test your might and fight against hundreds of the world's strongest martial artists.
WHEN: Mid-summer
WHERE: The island of Shamurosha
Guaranteed to be a unique and unforgettable event. We hope to see you there.
"You're joking, right? You want me to enter the Super Man Tournament?" He had to be joking. I was no fighter. I had never fought against another living being before in my life.
"Not only do I want you to enter, I want to fight you in it. I want us to be the last two remaining! Just think of it. $150,000 between us. We could get anything we dreamed! Not to mention a date with the princess." It did sound tempting.
"But I'm not a fighter!"
"You will be." A smirk crossed his face as he pointed to the training dummy. "Use this every day from now until the tournament and you'll be ready, I know it."
I paused and glanced back at the training machine. Could it be done? I had to find out. "All right then. If I'm going to enter it, then I'm going to win it!"
"You really think so?" We both laughed hard out loud.
"I know so!" I turned and began to walk back towards the house.
"Oh that's right," Andy said following me, "Didn't you mention something about cake?"
* * *
Little did we know that events were about to be set into motion within the Osh mountains. For within this mountain range, hidden deep beyond human reach, lay a small village where an advanced race of binary-speaking robots were going about their everyday lives, if one could call it as such. From later reports, I gathered these robots were small, were mostly round and their lifestyle resembled bees in a hive. The most amazing thing, however, was that they had the ability to hover several inches above the ground at all times. Indeed, they had 'evolved' past the use of legs all together. But their evolution came at a high price. It was a price they never thought they would ever have to pay.
At that very moment a meteor was falling through the atmosphere heading straight towards their village. Panic-striken, the Bionites (as they were called) ran here and there but, even though they were highly evolved, they had no viable means to stop the impact. They watched in fear.
In a flash of radiant white light and earth-shaking power, the meteor crashed. The violent impact had caused more than half of their village and population to be instantly vaporized. When the dust finally cleared enough to see, several of the Bionites gathered closer to the crator to inspect the meteor.
"What is it?" one of them spoke, in their native binary tongue. An elder of the group stepped forward and gasped in horror for he had noticed that it was no ordinary meteor, but rather a round pod capable of carrying something, or someone, into space.
"What should we do with it?" Whispers echoed throughout the crowd. "Shh, look!" The pod appeared to be moving slightly. An eerie stillness came over the crowd as they watched.
CRACK!
Without warning a large portion of the pod flew off as a large metallic arm shot up out of it. Within moments the rest of the pod shook violently and crumbled into dust. The Bionites moved back as a light wind picked up, blowing dust into their sensors.
"For over 1,000 years I have waited but now I am free once more!" a deep gravel-like voice echoed throughout the mountains.
Terror ran through the Bionites and many began to escape. Others drew strange curved sword-like weapons. The dust began to clear and they could make out the shape of a figure. It was hideous! There stood an eight-foot high metal demon with a skull-shaped head that had metal spikes pointing out of it. Its burning red eyes that seemed to be made out of embers glared at the tiny Bionites that stared back in horror. Its jaws of metal fangs curved to show a vile smile while its body, covered with a protective iron armor, moved in response to its long arms lifting high into the air. Its hands, with their claws of steel, shot open as if to stretch them. It began to laugh.
Quickly, the remaining Bionites swung their weapons. It was no use. The Bionites were a peaceful race by nature that only focused on research and better understanding the world around them. They had no interest in developing stronger weapon technology. As a result, their weapons were hundreds of years behind the times and, in effect, totally worthless. With more laughter the horrible creature took a step forward. "Weak." It growled with a certain satisfaction.
"Impossible!" The elder of the Bionites began to back away as the others continued their barrage of weapon swinging. The monster took another step closer and within a insant it slashed at several of the Bionites, knocking them down with gashes upon their round bodies. It continued its approach and loud crunches were heard as it stepped on those that it had knocked down. The red eyes brightened as it fixed its gaze upon the rest.
"Monster!" They cried as they tried to flee. It was no use.
Sparks flew everywhere as the demon stabbed or smashed them into oblivion. Finally there remained only one, the elder, cowering on the ground.
"I..it's you! Y..you've returned!" The elder screamed in horror, finally realizing who his adversary was. But it was too late. With a quick motion, the elder was lifted up high into the air and the monster began to crush his body.
"That's right." It laughed as the elder snapped in half, sparks flashing out from his lifeless body. "Dr. Ekoc has returned."
THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA
Chapter 01 (Arrival) - Draft #3
So where was I? Oh yes. It was my eighteenth birthday. The sun was shining brightly, causing the puddles to reflect the rays badly into my eyes as I stood at my front door staring at Andy, who was just grinning and laughing at me, his hands behind his back.
"So James, finally turning the big ONE-EIGHT eh?"
"That's right." I started. Wanting to get out of the sun's heat, I waved an invitation to him. "Now come in and let's celebrate it with some good ol fashioned cake. I think it's chocolate." Andy nodded and took a step in. He was hiding something, something he desperately wanted to talk about. I could see it in his eyes. But I knew Andy's nature all too well. He would hide it. He would hide it until the curiosity inside of me swelled up until I felt like I was going to die!
"Happy birthday!" He pulled out a small box out from behind his back.
"You really shouldn't have." I frowned for a moment. I really disliked getting gifts when I felt and knew that I could not often return the favor. But I was glad just the same. I was glad because I had friends that cared enough about me to get me something. I couldn't help but wonder what it was.
"If you're frowning because you feel you can't pay me back, don't worry about it."
"What is it?" I took it and ripped the wrapping off. It was a small gray box. Upon opening the box I saw a small diamond-shaped green gem attached to a long gold chain. My smile returned.
"It's an old artifact, given to me in a set by my grandfather. He said it was very old; quite possibly thousands of years old. He wasn't really sure. Anyway, I know how much you enjoy collecting things like this."
"Thank you. It's wonderful." He nodded.
"But that's not all. I have another gift."
"Oh no."
"There's something else after that I want to talk about but before I tell you, you have to come check the gift out. It's too big to fit in the house." Was this what Andy was so eager to tell but was trying to keep secret? No, it couldn't be. This was too easy.
I slipped the gem over my neck as we stepped out into the large yard, carefully avoiding left-over puddles. What I saw made me gasp out loud. Leaning against one of my large oak trees lay a large martial artist's training dummy with a little bow on it.
"Wow." I could think of no other expression to show my shock. I was absolutely stunned.
Andy walked over to it, pulled off the bow and began to explain it to me. "It's the best martial arts training dummy you can buy. It has five different styles programmed in and three speeds to control its rotation and movement. I expect you to use it." Andy's grin grew bigger. "You'll have to if you expect to beat me."
"Beat you? What do you mean?" Now I really was curious and Andy could see it in my face. With that he was satisfied and reached into his back pocket.
"Here, look at this." He pulled out a rolled up brown scroll. Raising an eyebrow, I took it from him and unrolled it. It read:
THE WORLD'S SUPER MAN FIGHTING TOURNAMENT
Come one, come all to the WORLD'S SUPER MAN FIGHTING TOURNAMENT! Test your might and fight against hundreds of the world's strongest martial artists.
- FIRST PLACE PRIZE: A date with the stunningly beautiful princess Romaniqua and $100,000 prize money to help pay for a wonderful night.
- SECOND PLACE PRIZE: $50,000 prize money.
- THIRD PLACE PRIZE: $25,000 prize money.
WHEN: Mid-summer
WHERE: The island of Shamurosha
Guaranteed to be a unique and unforgettable event. We hope to see you there.
"You're joking, right? You want me to enter the Super Man Tournament?" He had to be joking. I was no fighter. I had never fought against another living being before in my life.
"Not only do I want you to enter, I want to fight you in it. I want us to be the last two remaining! Just think of it. $150,000 between us. We could get anything we dreamed! Not to mention a date with the princess." It did sound tempting.
"But I'm not a fighter!"
"You will be." A smirk crossed his face as he pointed to the training dummy. "Use this every day from now until the tournament and you'll be ready, I know it."
I paused and glanced back at the training machine. Could it be done? I had to find out. "All right then. If I'm going to enter it, then I'm going to win it!"
"You really think so?" We both laughed hard out loud.
"I know so!" I turned and began to walk back towards the house.
"Oh that's right," Andy said following me, "Didn't you mention something about cake?"
* * *
Little did we know that events were about to be set into motion within the Osh mountains. For within this mountain range, hidden deep beyond human reach, lay a small village where an advanced race of binary-speaking robots were going about their everyday lives, if one could call it as such. From later reports, I gathered these robots were small, were mostly round and their lifestyle resembled bees in a hive. The most amazing thing, however, was that they had the ability to hover several inches above the ground at all times. Indeed, they had 'evolved' past the use of legs all together. But their evolution came at a high price. It was a price they never thought they would ever have to pay.
At that very moment a meteor was falling through the atmosphere heading straight towards their village. Panic-striken, the Bionites (as they were called) ran here and there but, even though they were highly evolved, they had no viable means to stop the impact. They watched in fear.
In a flash of radiant white light and earth-shaking power, the meteor crashed. The violent impact had caused more than half of their village and population to be instantly vaporized. When the dust finally cleared enough to see, several of the Bionites gathered closer to the crator to inspect the meteor.
"What is it?" one of them spoke, in their native binary tongue. An elder of the group stepped forward and gasped in horror for he had noticed that it was no ordinary meteor, but rather a round pod capable of carrying something, or someone, into space.
"What should we do with it?" Whispers echoed throughout the crowd. "Shh, look!" The pod appeared to be moving slightly. An eerie stillness came over the crowd as they watched.
CRACK!
Without warning a large portion of the pod flew off as a large metallic arm shot up out of it. Within moments the rest of the pod shook violently and crumbled into dust. The Bionites moved back as a light wind picked up, blowing dust into their sensors.
"For over 1,000 years I have waited but now I am free once more!" a deep gravel-like voice echoed throughout the mountains.
Terror ran through the Bionites and many began to escape. Others drew strange curved sword-like weapons. The dust began to clear and they could make out the shape of a figure. It was hideous! There stood an eight-foot high metal demon with a skull-shaped head that had metal spikes pointing out of it. Its burning red eyes that seemed to be made out of embers glared at the tiny Bionites that stared back in horror. Its jaws of metal fangs curved to show a vile smile while its body, covered with a protective iron armor, moved in response to its long arms lifting high into the air. Its hands, with their claws of steel, shot open as if to stretch them. It began to laugh.
Quickly, the remaining Bionites swung their weapons. It was no use. The Bionites were a peaceful race by nature that only focused on research and better understanding the world around them. They had no interest in developing stronger weapon technology. As a result, their weapons were hundreds of years behind the times and, in effect, totally worthless. With more laughter the horrible creature took a step forward. "Weak." It growled with a certain satisfaction.
"Impossible!" The elder of the Bionites began to back away as the others continued their barrage of weapon swinging. The monster took another step closer and within a insant it slashed at several of the Bionites, knocking them down with gashes upon their round bodies. It continued its approach and loud crunches were heard as it stepped on those that it had knocked down. The red eyes brightened as it fixed its gaze upon the rest.
"Monster!" They cried as they tried to flee. It was no use.
Sparks flew everywhere as the demon stabbed or smashed them into oblivion. Finally there remained only one, the elder, cowering on the ground.
"I..it's you! Y..you've returned!" The elder screamed in horror, finally realizing who his adversary was. But it was too late. With a quick motion, the elder was lifted up high into the air and the monster began to crush his body.
"That's right." It laughed as the elder snapped in half, sparks flashing out from his lifeless body. "Dr. Ekoc has returned."
